4 of The Greatest Pieces of Marketing I’ve Ever Seen at The Four Seasons Hampshire (BLEW MY MIND)

Rule One: Don’t shit yourself
Rule Two: Don’t cry

Unfortunately, downstairs he was breaking Rule One and Rule Two.

Upstairs.
4 floors up (precisely)

In the chocolate mahogany smothered Georgian Manor. Wind down six opulent lavender perfumed corridors. Room 405. The Bearded Villain conducted his morning routine.

Spraying Lynx Africa on his gooch.
100 sit ups.
Smelled his own guffs.

The lavish pink and navy bathroom reeked of sweet-sickly-icy Lynx Africa, as he aggressively raked the icy blade across hot soapy face. Crafting his post prized possession, with fighter pilot precision: his beard.

Primmed. Proper. Plonker.

Demonic eyes dancing and flashing in misty mirror.

He thought “God, why do ARE you lookin’ so god damn SEXY?!”

“Oh god…. oh God…. what if I’ve sprayed too much Lynx on my gooch and I can’t walk properly when I get down there?!”

Outside everything was silent. The hot sun yawned and stretched over Mother Natures Decadent Birthday cake, delicious whiff of newly mown grass ::: dusted with sparkling morning frost. :: sugary glistening trees :: twinkling morning birds :: long creamy green lawns: sky:: the colour of a 5 year olds Birthday Cake :: perfect and boundless blue

The hot stench from the Doormen’s morning Cappuccino-with-4-sugars flowed into searching, biting morning air.

The Villain raked, clawed, hacked his face.
He was about to unleash hell

Fat car wheels cracked..smacked.. licked the biscuity gravel outside the Georgian Manor House. Pompous petrol married the cooling Cappuccino stench.

Rolls Royce.
Ferraris.
Defenders.

Tarty Tardy Twats tumbled out their Motors. Lugubriously lugging luggage to the high mahogany doorway. Swooned in PJs on PJ. Dropping Physical baggage, holding on to baggage of the mind. Divorces. Affairs. Losing the Mykonos home. Venerable valium addiction.

4 floors below.

Shitting himself fella: suited and booted. Face glistened with fear. Under the coffee table his leg ferociously pumping like a Nirvana drummer. Hands clasped. Prepared. Maybe?

Shitting himself fella’s mind pumped

“Oh god, Oh God… what if I completely FUCK this???!! What will I say to my Mum? I promised her things would….finally… yes… definitely… change?”

The villain put on his glistening cufflinks.

His eyes, little excited sumptuous turquoise pools of sordid sparkle.

Shitting himself fella, icy beads of sweat crawled down his face like possessed slugs.

Leg racing,
faster, faster,
faster faster, faster.

Bearded villain pressed his fat thumb on the golden lift button: “Ground Floor”

Closer.
Closer.

Floor 3

Closer
Faster
Closer

Floor 2

Closer
Faster
Faster
Closer

Floor 1

Closer
Closer
:::bing:::

Ground Floor

The Villain trotted with pompous clip of a thoroughbred horse. Behind his Castle of Cavalier was a Cathedral of Insecurities.

His mind raced too

“What if everyone can smell the Lynx Gooch perfume?…God… I’m feeling insecure… keep your head up… shoulders back… walk with pride for gods sake?”

“Are my shoe laces tied? Properly?”

“Are

He carried his own heavy baggage. A speech impediment. Failed marriage. Desire to be The Man.

I sat in the corner. Watching. Drinking coffee. Eating biscuits. Curious eyes surveying.

The Villain sat down.

My Spidey Senses picked up he was a Darren-or-Dave-or-Dean-or-Derek

Darren-or-Dave-or-Dean-or-Derek dropped his notepad

***** dropped his notepad***
***** braced the power pose***

Shitting himself fella, sweat sprinkling out his nut like 6am Portugese golf course sprinkler.

Darren-or-Dave-or-Dean-or-Derek commanded the waitress.

Signalling he was The BOSS. But the kinda-boss who was friendly and-that-you’d-probably-enjoy-a-drink-with-but-no-more-than-that.

“YES. I AM THE BOSS OF THIS MANOR”

Speech impediment began cruising:

“Phwwilllwwpaaaa (Philippa) pweeeasee, may we have sum coff-ee-ss?”

“Two Cappucwwinos, would be mwwwarvellous, pweasee Phwwilllwwpaaaa (Philipa) ”

Villain looked at shitting himself fella.

“Pweople fwink I can mwulti task, cuz I’ve got twwiwns”
“But, I don’t fwin I can hahahhahahahaha”

Shitting himself fella
“HA. HA.”

Philippa bought the coffees and rested them on the table.

”Thwwanks, Phwwilllwwpaaaa”

Shitting himself fella

“H-h-h-h-how l-long have you been at The Four Seasons?”
“15 Years..”

“This w-isn’t a job… This is Your Door to The World’

Over the weekend, we took my darling Mother to The Four Seasons for her 60th.

Two years ago, I read the book, Four Seasons, by founder Issy Sharp.

Excellence is the ability to withstand pain
Excellence is the ability to withstand pain
Excellence is the ability to withstand pain

The Four Seasons is the greatest marketing machine on Planet Earth.

In the corner, I watched an interview between a young kid (shitting himself) and the general manager (the villain). Who, actually, was amazingly warm, affable and kind.

But, that’s a FOOKIN’ boring story ain’t it ourrr kidaaaaaa.

Four Things I Learnt About The Greatest Marketing of All Time

1. Everything is Marketing

At The Four Seasons: Everything is Marketing.

Go to toilet.

Theres the little step ladder, presumingly for toddler, but I took advantage of it too, being a Micro Pint n’ that.

The step ladder is marketing.

It solves a problem you didn’t think existed. It signals we are thinking of problems you don’t know exist. It signals we’re here to take care of you.

2. Words Matter + WiFi Polish the Turd

Most say: “Free Wifi”
Four Seasons say: “Please Enjoy Complimentary, high-speed WiFi as our valued guest”

Words matter.
Words create little Easter Eggs.
Little moments of surprise.
Moment of magic.
Planting a little smile on peoples faces.
Little brand smiles, compound, to big, deep senses of billowing brand joy.

Easy HACK ONE: How do you and your employees write your Out of Office?

Is it witty?
Is it a story to make buyers laugh?
Is it on brand?

Easy HACK TWO: What’s the Wifi Code in Your Office?

Is it on brand?
Is it a little easter egg?

Everything is marketing.

3. The Best Story Wins - Morgan Housel

In the interview, the general manager said to shitting himself fella

“This isn’t a job”
“This is Your Door to The World”

Door To The World. A four word story.

Words, matter.
The best story, wins.

4. The Status Game of Massages

When you book a massage at The Four Seasons.
You’re asked to put in your detail:

They give you a long list of names “Dr., Lady, Lord, Ambassador, Sheikha, Prof, Duchess”

Of course, 99% of people aren’t a Prince or Duke. But, being in that company does the golden rule of marketing ELEVATES peoples STATUS.

This is genius marketing because

1. It elevates your Status - fuck me, I must be important hanging out

2. It’s fun, memorable, cheeky, storytelling

Pretty-pease may you do me a huge favour, mate. This newsletter took me +18 hours to compile + write. It’ll take you literally 10 seconds to forward it on to a friend. Please may you ping it on to someone? We grow one recco at a time. Hugely grateful for you support xx

Still Hungry? Course you are…

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