I Got Spiked In The BlueBird, Chelsea and I Learnt F*ck All About Marketing (well, maybe one thing)

My friend was drugged 47 minutes before they stole his watch.
But, that’s not all they stole.

The DJ saw everything, but did nothing.
The barman saw everything, and, almost did something.

A soft thick gathering of menace flashed in the air.

The two Grease Balls were upstairs hiding, ready to pounce like thuggish vultures.

The DJ scanned the flashing dance floor, mind racing with thick confusion.

“What shoudaaa I say?!”
“What shouldaa do?”
“This isn’t the first attack of the Night…?!”

“Focus.. Tarquin… F*CKING FOCUS… you BLOODY FOOL…play Tinchy Strider… it’s a bloody certy banger ”

THICK
f-l-a-s-h-i-n-g

In the apex of Chelsea, past the moorish white town houses throbs a heinously repugnant institution.

The Bluebird, Chelsea.

And that, my friend, is where everything went wrong.

BlueBird is LITERALLY my definition of HELL ON EARTH (is what I say to Hipster-Dipsters when I’m playing Conkers London Fields listen to Acid House)

(secretly quiet like it de temp de temps) (actually bloody love it)

THICK
f-l-a-s-h-i-n-g

Upstairs, the two Grease Balls lurked in the thick shadows, eyes flashing with voluptuous excitement, slurping their 6th RedBull (without ice)

Downstairs, in the Smokers, thick morons housed flashy egos

An Orchestra of thick Lost Mary Watermelon Ice Vape smog masked the flashing Rolexes and Tiffany Rings.

Coupled with the thick flashy stench of far-too-much-fucking Au De Toilet.

Inside there’s thick orange curtains and flashing chrome chairs atop with thick-fluffy-yummy cushions of brilliance. And silver rugs so thick they’d gobble and swallow all species of biscuit crumb.

The Dance floor was thick with people. A disco ball flashing against glasses filled with Vodka and Cranberry Juice like a thick a wondrous creamy flashing galaxy.

The Grease Balls had already eaten this evening.

Yuu easy target.

THICK
f-l-a-s-h-i-n-g

A thick man in a thick leather jacket walked through the thick crowd on the flashing dance floor to the flashing bar where he opened his thick wallet and flashed his cash to the thick girl in flashing silver dress to his left.

and the barman put a thick lemon wedge in their flashing glass of gin and tonic and the thick flashy thickos vanished like a flash to the thick dance floor.

And, that’s when the Grease Balls got ‘em.
Gobbled ‘em up.

The DJ was sweating with nerves. He knew what was going on. But did nothing.

“Focus, focus, play the next track…
“there’s CCTV… yes…theres CCTV”
“What shoudaaa I say?!”

THICK
f-l-a-s-h-i-n-g

Then came the next brace of Flash Thickos.
Me and my friend.

Drunk.
SlamDunk easy targets.

The Greaseballs plied us with gooey sentimental platitudes

“My fwend, my fwedn, leeme buya yuuuhh a drink, my fwend”
“My fwend, my fwend, I love yuh watch my fwend”

We were spiked.

Our heads flashing :: distorted :: twisted :: flashing. THICK like a Yorkshire pudding filled with flashing gravy.

The next day we woke up. Friends Wallet, Phone and The Rest was Gone.

Bizarrely, that week I’d recorded a podcast with Seth Godin.

We talked all about Strategy.

Choose your customers, choose your future
Choose your competitors, choose your future
Choose your game, choose your future
Choose your system, choose your future
Choose your promise, choose your future
Choose your story, choose your future

Strategy is choosing.
Choosing what you say no to.
Choosing what you say yes to.

The Greaseball Gangsters strategy was simple

Choose your customer: drunk morons in Chelsea

Choose your game: stealing watches and wallets

Choose your system: Bluebird, Chelsea

Chose your promise: “you look AHHHmazing my friend, let me buy you a drink”

Chose your story: “I feel amazing, thus, I trust these guys… I’ll give them my watch”

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Get in touch with North Star here: https://calendly.com/andy-northstar

Pretty-pease may you do me a huge favour, mate. This newsletter took me +18 hours to compile + write. It’ll take you literally 10 seconds to forward it on to a friend. Please may you ping it on to someone? We grow one recco at a time. Hugely grateful for you support xx

Still Hungry? Course you are…

Please feel free to gorge on the most downloaded podcast episodes of all time (these are CERTY: BANGERS)

1. Rory Sutherland: Why Challenger Brands Must Never Follow Logic to Truly Disrupt Categories 

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3. Spencer Matthews: How Spencer Matthews Built Unshakeable Resilience and Raised + £10m to Launch Clean Co. in Sainsbury's, Tesco and the U.S.A. 

4. How Grenade Exited to Mondelez for £200 Million and Lessons in Unapologetic Authenticity- Juliett Baratt

5. Tyrells Tycoon: How William Chase built and sold Tyrells for £50 million and sold Chase Distillery to DIAGEO 

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