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POV: you told your sexy SOHO House date about your TESCO launch
Dan Pope
April 11, 2025
POV: you told your sexy SOHO House date about your TESCO launch
“Yahhhh, I’ve just launched a Pretty BANGING band”
“I-BEEF-A Biltong”
“YAH, came up with the name all on myself”
“#Snacks4Shufflers ha.ha”
You show your date a “BLOODY HIIIIIIIIIII-L-ARIOUS” pic
It’s you dressed as a Carl Cox-Cow Mascot in Air Max 90’s
Shuffling to a CHRIS STUSSY minimal/tech house mix outside a Tesco Extra at 7am
”Yahhh, I told the Sainos buyer we’re TOTES owning the AFTERS consumption occasion hahahahah”
Look, there’s a BIG DIFFERENCE between
Sexy F*cker marketing vs. Dull F*cker marketing
Sexy Fucker Marketing gives you status as you enjoy overpriced coffee in underwhelming coffee ships in overpriced locations.
Sexy Fucker Marketing AHHHB-SO-LUTELY has it’s place bro.
buuuuutttttttt, les not forget, there’s a BIG DIFFERENCE between
Sexy Fucker Marketing
Dull Fucker Marketing
In Grocery,
Sexy Fucker Marketing = massive ATL campaign across London, when you’re only in 300 stores
Sexy Fucker Marketing = Wild influencer campaigns and spending 50 bag sponsoring the “Hairy Bits Wilderness Sound Bath & Gong stage”
Sexy Fucker Marketing = hiring a big team to fund your grocery listings, to tell your mates at networking events how big your team is, like it’s a swinging schlong contest
Dull Fucker Marketing doesn’t get you street cred at founder events.
Dull Fucker Marketing doesn’t get you loads of likes on LinkyD.
Dull Fucker Marketing won’t impress your hot SOHO house date.
I chatted to Mark Palmer on the poddy the other week.
Mark’s the marketing genius behind Green & Blacks, Cawston Press, Pret A Manger, LA Brewery
Mark’s BEST piece of wisdom he’s EVER been taught:
Always have a variable cost base.
Always have a variable cost base.
Always have a variable cost base.
Always have a variable cost base sets the scene for Our Sexy vs. Dull Fucker Marketing Exploration.
Example One: More Distribution
Let’s say you list in Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Waitrose, Ocado, ASDA
Sexy Fucker Thinking: Increase distribution = Hire more people = more account managers = more chance of success, right?
sound bloody sexy saying you’ve got a massive team, right?
Dull Fucker Thinking: Hire LESS people and save that money and use it as Marketing Muscle to drive RATE OF SALE.
Some options a founder will face as they stare at their leather bound iPad whilst ordering their 5th Espresso Martini from Soho Farmhouse.
Option 1: £200k team spend
Hire 4 NAM 2 x Senior NAM (£100k) 2 x Junior NAM (£100k) = £200k
(pulling los numeros out my botty btw)
Option 2: £100k team spend
Hire 2 x Senior NAM (£100k), use the other £100k as Marketing Muscle to invest in retailers to drive Rate of Sale.
so many think you need a bigger head count as your grocery disty increases.
the hidden danger?
a bigger head count, my friend, is a one way ticket You’re FUCKED HOTEL
Remember what Mark said. Mark’s greatest piece of wisdom.
Always have a variable cost base.
Always have a variable cost base.
Welcome, my friend, to the YOU’RE FUCKED HOTEL
*here you’ll have nightmarishly garish thoughts of anxiety, galling and mauling you into a state of grotesque hell
*please, sit down and have a tepid-biscuit
Let’s say you’ve picked option one:
Hire 4 NAM 2 x Senior NAM (£100k) 2 x Junior NAM (£100k) = £200k
issues
Your cost base increases significantly hiring full time employees
You have no track record of whether the rate of sale is going to pull through in the increased distribution
You’ve gotta spend hours and hours onboarding these new employees with no track record if they’re the right cultural fit
You find yourself with a massive grocery team, but no Marketing Muscle to ACTUALLY drive the rate of sale.
6 months down the line...
6 months down the line, you’ve got a Senior NAM + Junior NAM managing TESCO (too many heads, bro)
6 months down the line, you haven’t hit your hurdle rate and you’ve been given the boot (up shit creek, bro)
6 months down the line, your cost base has increased, but you’ve got no revenue to cover it as you’ve lost distribution (nightmare, bro)
6 months down the line, PAYE employees are much harder to let go of vs. freelancers (shitter.org.uk, bro)
Sexy Fucker vs. Dull Fucker Marketing example
Okay, now let’s say you’ve picked Option 2.
You’ve decided to HIRE LESS people, so you’ve got MORE Marketing Muscle to drive Rate of Sale.
Option 2 gives you £100k to splash on marketing to drive rate of sale.
Look, I get it, Sexy Fuckers wanna do Sexy Mutha Fucker Marketing.
Sometimes, Sexy Fucker Marketing won’t actually move the needle.
Let’s say, you’re launching into 500 Sainsbury’s stores £100k to splash on marketing.
Sexy Fucker Marketing = let’s get a massive influencer like Dean Gaffney or Wayne Lineker to promote our IBeefa Biltong.
Sexy Fucker Marketing = let’s do a really cool activation in Waitrose, Kings Cross which costs us loads of dough.
This is great. But let’s not forget
Basic Fucker Marketing = whacking a shelf-barker in 500 stores whilst on promotion isn’t sexy. But it works.
Basic Fucker Marketing = hiring a compliance agency to actually check you’re product is on shelf and your rate of sale isn’t being crushed.
Basic Fucker Marketing = investing in sampling to drive trial near stores i.e. giving out samples in London Office Blocks are located near your Tesco local stores.
Basic Fucker Marketing = invest in consumer and shopper data to ACTUALLY understand how you’re performing when you speak to your buyer.
A good rule of thumb for Basic Fucker Marketing is anything that’s close to purchase proximity. It’s boring. But it fucking works.
Sometimes Basic Fucker Marketing just works.
One Basic Fucker Marketing Investment I’d HIGHLY recommend :
North Star Category Management helps you get your Super Market Decks so good, buyers find it impossible to say No.
I am so confident in North Star transforming your brand we’ve got an EXCLUSIVE HUNGRY OFFER
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