- HUNGRY Feast
- Posts
- The Most Awkward Date of My Life in Hyde Park and How Every 6/10 London Restaurant Can Become 9/10 by spending £24.92
The Most Awkward Date of My Life in Hyde Park and How Every 6/10 London Restaurant Can Become 9/10 by spending £24.92
Dan Pope
January 17, 2025
On Saturday, I went on the most awkward date of my life. So awkward I think three peacocks died.
A pale milky-silver sky washed over Hyde Park, grass electrified-frosty and sparkled like glitter. Sooty black trees jumped out the cracker-crisp morning frost. The trees were stiff. Painfully stiff like skeletons. An ominous sign of what’s to come. Not that kind of stiff. The awkward stiff.
Baleful blotches of burning pink lacerated the sky:: a toasty sun :: buttery warmth spread over and melted the frost.
Soon, another ominous sign. Miserable Migraine weather soon stumbled in like a sad. washed up git at bar stall. Miserable git eyes searching like scared searching toddler, searching into the vacant abyss of his pint glass, big blotched—boozed up — alchy Rum Baba-drenched nose.
3 days before. On Thursday, tucked up in bed (at my parents gaff, at 31 years old… how riveting) watching Talk Sport on Youtube.
On Hinge, I fictitiously rallied something along:
“I’m just a fairly chill guy… doing a fairly chill…Dry Jan… fancy a fairly chill…Coffee and Walk?”
We met at 1pm. The Date Off soared off strong… lift off… gaining altitude…a convivial tennis rally of niceties flowed… “What did you do last night…?”
As soon as we were off and up, we were down and out.
Tumultuously rocky altitude.
Signs of not clicking at all blossomed like odious brown moles on the back of a tattooed-hairy-old-git-who-works-in-Ladbrokes-and-eats-Aldi-Faux-Penguin-Bars-called-Seals.
She was an accountant into Fantasy Novels and Chess.
I fantasied over Donner Meat n Chips. More chemistry in a cancer ward
And that’s when the date went from swooning and soaring to drooping, drooling and dieing.
She brought out THE FUCKING MITTENS.
Yup. Mittens. FUCKING MITTENS.
These mittens weren’t the FINGERLESS MITTENS that London Fields, Avant-garde hipsters who read William Blake and quaff Flat Whites.
No, no, no.
These weren’t FINGERLESS MITTENS.
These were PROPER FUCKING MITTENS. Full-Finger Coverage.
Mittens you’d put on a toddler at Lego Land.
Mittens you’d give your freezing Nana at an *insert National Trust CarPark of choice.
Mittens you’d find in a orange box in the corner of an Oxfam on a rainy day in Uxbridge.
Where does one buy baby pink mittens in adult size?
Next we entered GAIL’s. She ordered a Blackcurrant & Hibiscus tea. Mittens and a Blackcurrant and Hibiscus tea. Fuck me.
She wasn’t interested in me in the slightest, too. Even my Absolutely-Never-Fails-Chat-Up-Line-BOMBED
Sooooooo
*followed by a he he he
…”If you could ONLY pick two sauces to accompany a 24 McNugget Share box?”
*followed by wink
*followed by he he
“… what… would… you pick?
*followed by licking lips
45 minutes later, as we clunked around Hyde Park like a rusty, crusty, thuddy Cherynoble Fairground ride.
She said:
“Look, really sorry, I’m not feeling too good… I’m going to go home”.
A shot gun of rejection smashed my soul to smithereens.
She pulled a sicky.
A I’m-A-Mitten-Wearing-Black-Current-Hibiscus-Tea-Quaffing-Accountant - GET MEEEEEEEE OUTTTTAAAA HEREEEEEEEEE Sicky.
HERE’S THE ADVERT:
How To Get Your Challenger Brand Into More SuperMarkets and Increase Your Current Distribution in Half The Time
Range Reviews are happening NOW.
Sainsbury’s, Waitrose, Tesco, Ocado CoOp are looking for new challenger brands
Don’t miss this range review and have to wait another 6 months.
Don’t lose precious shelf space to your competitors
Don’t let your buyer pick another brand, just because you didn’t have a Grand Slam deck
North Star Category Management helps you get your Super Market Decks so good, buyers find it impossible to say No.
Challenger brands like Perfect Ted, TRIP, Bold Bean Co, DASH use North Star
I am so confident in North Star transforming your brand we’ve got an EXCLUSIVE HUNGRY OFFER
FIRST MONTH FREE + a FREE 30 MINUTE CONSULTANCY SESSION TO SEE HOW YOU BRAND IS CURRENTLY PERFORMING IN CATEGORY
Book your FREE consultancy session here:
Offer ends 31st January 2025.
Oh! Rejection the deep lacerations bit into my soul. Oh! Rejection you squalid stupor. Oh! Rejection the scream inadequacy.
Oh! Rejection you malevolent beast. Oh! Rejection you prison of doom.
Oh! Rejection you bastard.
Rejection sucks. Especially rejection from a Mitten Wearing Blackcurrant & Hibiscus Tea quaffer.
On the Hyde Park battleground, I was Bruised in Battle. So Bruised I Cruised to The Battle Cruiser for a Guinness fucking 0.
Cuz it’s DRY. FUCKING. JAN.
As I sipped a Guinness 0% and I felt like saying “Just give me the fucking REAL THING mate, and a packet of fags”
As I slurped my Guinness 0% I was reminded of Charlie Mungers quote.
Self-Pity has not Utility - Charlie Munger
Self-Pity has no utility.
Get up. Dust yourself off. Go again.
”Self-pity has no utility” is an aphorism all challenger food & drink founders should deploy daily.
Next, I wandered off to the bog to take leak. The bog, like most London bogs, was atrociously wank.
It reminded me of a conversation I recently had with Rory Sutherland (pod coming soon)
How Every 6/10 London Restaurant Become 10/10 by Spending £24.92 Quid
Think of the nicest restaurant you’ve ever been to?
Maybe it’s a Michelin star?
Maybe it’s in swanky Mayfair?
Now. Quickly. For 10 seconds. Try and remember what the bogs were like.
Probably smelt amazing with wonderful creamy soap. A thick, fluffy towel. Maybe music. Immaculately clean.
Rory taught me RUSH Hairdressers OVER INVEST in toilets.
Why?
Massively increases perceived value.
Restaurants should too.
So many restaurants OVER INVEST in Front of Stage i.e. where customers eats.
But UNDER INVEST in Back of Stage i.e. the bogs.
You can HUGELY increase the perceived value of any restaurant, simply by spending £25 quid on some smelly stuff, towels and scents and soap.
Go do it.
Finally, I paid for my Guinness 0.0% on my American Express Card.
It reminded me of David Ogilvy’s ONE American Express Campaign he wanted to launch before he died. But, unfortunately, never did.
“Buy Gold American Express for a Year… if you don’t like it, we’ll give you DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK”
Double your money back.
So So good.
Thanks so much for reading, have a top weekend.
Please do share the poddy with on of your friends or family or foes
Popey xx
Still Hungry? Course you are…
Please feel free to gorge on the most downloaded podcast episodes of all time (these are CERTY: BANGERS)
Or read our most read articles of all time
